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Showing posts with label time. Show all posts
Showing posts with label time. Show all posts

History


 We write history every day. Our own, personal, tiny kind of history.
It's small, but it's still history. A small line on an enormous white piece of paper. A tiny colorful line that happens to intersect other tiny lines on its path. A microscopical line that gets lost in the infinity.
It's funny, really. 'History' is such a big word. It encompasses such a vast volume of grandness and greatness and eternity. And we, as human beings, represent these tiny dots that you can't even tell apart from a fair distance. Yet we, insignificant creatures, write history every second. We, trivial animated things, are capable of excellence. Through our thoughts, words and actions.
And I have to admit, such an idea is kind of hard to ingest. On the other hand, it also creates a rather haunting sensation of randomness. Maybe even chaos.
It is random indeed - all of it. When we're born, who our parents are and what they've done with their lives up to that point, who their parents were and how each and every one of these people has been raised. How we're being raised. How other incidents happen to occur around us. How these incidents affect us. Our each and every choice. Every single word we utter. Every smile we smile and tear we cry. Every road we take, and every story we write without even realizing. And then there are all these people that enter our life by choice or chance. The way they act, talk, think, respond to random factors, actions, words. Their dreams and goals - short term or long term.
Our dreams. Each and every little dream or ideal that we develop.
All these things, and so many others, when turned into reality, create the world as we know it. Right now. This very second. And from this very point, it falls into our hands to write the rest of it. All the history that's left unwritten. Every single letter of it.
So, just how capable do *you* feel to write history?

Stillness.


Quiet mornings. Those mornings when you just wake up and you don't even want to move. Not because you're tired (even though you kind of are) and you want to go back to sleep. Not because you feel sick (even though your stomach hurts for no reason). Not because you're paralyzed in any way (but yes, this emptiness feels pretty paralyzing, if you put it that way). You just wake up and you feel blank and all you can do is sit there in bed with freezing toes, facing the ceiling, staring at nothing in particular. And it's not even one of those moments when you get lost in your own thoughts (ahh that would at least be something). No sir. You just lay still and blank. No particular thought, or need, or desire. Nothing. Just you, as blank as a fresh piece of paper.
And as you sit there, counting the seconds - 'cause it didn't take you long to get to the point where you realized that counting the seconds is all that you can do, you start feeling more and more annoyed by the stillness and emptiness of it all.
Good morning, Monday. I'm as blank as I'll ever be. I have no idea what I want or need. I just... exist. Breathe. Waste time and space. And right now, on a rather cloudy Monday morning, this is all I have to offer to the world.

in loc de buna dimineata.


'i'm not sweet, my darling, i'm in love. madly, head over heels, breathtakingly in love. si simt un gust de gem de cirese in cerul gurii, cum simti atunci cand te arunci cu capul inainte intr-o romanta de vara cu iz de crema de plaja.'
-

'uite, dimineata asta e ca noi.'
'adica?'
'timida si destul de rece, dar cu o farama de speranta ca mai incolo o sa fie exact cat trebuie de cald. temperatura aia ideala care te face sa vrei sa uiti de tot si sa pici intr-o stare de extaz. my love, imi stai alaturi cat imi savurez cafeaua?'
'only if you share.'
'cu mare drag(oste). stii ce-am realizat? ca sta in firea omului sa ajunga sa invete exact lucrurile de care fuge cu disperare toata viata.'
'si-anume?'
'am urat mereu asteptarea. iar acum o practic cu precizia unui ceas elvetian.'

'o sa dai cu curul de pamant, idioato. a safety net is what you need.'
'i don't need safety nets, bai asta, they keep me from loving. si ce daca o sa ma impiedic pana la urma si o sa pic in bot si o sa incep sa plang mai ceva ca la 5-6 ani cand am aterizat pe niste scari de piatra si mi-am rupt nasul in 2? a durut, dar a trecut. a ma pastra pentru mine, fie si in proportii microscopice, ar insemna ca nu te iubesc indeajuns, my darling. dar nu-ti face griji, i'll clean my own mess daca va fi cazul. now go be happy, you asshole, altfel toate cacaturile astea invizibile pe care le fac nu-si mai au nici un rost, si o sa ma deprim - iar tanti de la farmacie a zis ca nu mai aduc prozac luna asta, si ca ma paste un fel de sevraj daca nu stau cuminte.'
'nu cred ca fericirea mai e de nasul meu.'
'lasa cinismul, ca ala e pentru persoane proaste ca mine care o tot dau in bara si apoi se lamenteaza. uite, am trecut si la ora de vara. si ti-am zis ca se lumineaza afara.'
'cica ploua azi.'
'iar imi calci in picioare idealurile? n-are sa ploua. nu peste camera mea. azi o sa fie frumos, ti-am mai zis - la fel ca sperantele mele.'
'ce-i drept, s-a facut dimineata intre timp. somn usor.'

Everything for free...


“I don’t know who you are…”
There are moments in your life when you just want to die.
.
“But you seem very nice…”
The pain is so immense that you don’t even want it to go away anymore.
.
“So will you talk to me?”
Because you know that there’s no way for it to ever disappear.
.
“Shall I tell you a story?”
No way to ever forget it.
.
“Should I tell you a dream?”
And the worst part is that…
.
“They think I’m crazy…”
… you are all alone when this happens.
.
“But they don’t know that I like it here…”
Truth be told, we all end up alone in moments like these.
.
“It’s nice in here…”
And we eventually accept it.
.
“I get everything for free…”
Most of the times, we accept it for someone else, though.
.
“Have you been here before?”
We make a sacrifice.
..
“Shall I show you around?”
Because, come to think of it…
.
“It’s very pretty…”
… it’s way easier to bear your own pain…
.
“Have you come here to stay?”
… than to see the one you love dealing with it all.
.
“Well, you sure picked a day…”
Way easier to walk away…
.
“My name is Billy…”
… than to stay and let the other one suffer.
.
“It's my birthday, you're invited to my party down the hall…”
Not easy.
.
“Where I go, what I'll become or who I am or what I'll be…”
Just easier…
.
“I’ll never know…”
Selfless, if you will…
.
“But I am sure that I’ll get everything for free…”

Goodbye.


Tears falling from the sky
All those leaves sayin' "Goodbye!"
In a world of loneliness
Where's the dream of happiness?
Snowflakes cutting thick cold air
No one else is left to dare
Killing love was the last act
Now we all have to accept the fact
That remembering love songs
Is the last thing that belongs
In here, down here
In a nightmare of fear.

Tears pouring down the street
Made an ocean our last meet
But the pain from your dark eyes
That - I couldn't think it lies
It would talk about forever
About things you can remember
About you and me together
About lives becoming better
About lies that will end never
That was our last meeting ever.

Tears shaping your cold body
Couldn't it have been somebody
Else laying here in my arms
Keep you far from any harms
My tears wouldn't wash the blood
My regrets wouldn't cover the mud
Of death, a trip without an ending
But we all have to accept the bidding
A bet we lose and have to pay
Without asking why it has to be that way
We pay and close our eyes forever
Just hoping this and that will never
Turn out to be wrong ways to "better"
'Cause "Goodbye!" will be our ever.

... and books on the table.



I miss that girl who used to write from dusk till dawn, and tame the thoughts she had.
I miss the ruffled hair and the sleepless nights.
I miss my voice, and I miss my stories.
And most of all, I miss my smile.
And us.




There was a time when nothing could go wrong.
There were nights when writing felt a part of me.
There were tears I cried and smiles I smiled, and they all made sense in my stories.
And I could write.

In another life, I was a queen.
And then I was a beggar.
And a fox.
And a rabbit.

My hair was long and my eyes were black.
And then I went to sleep.
And never woke up.

Time grew me branches and roots once.
And then a horse found me. He used to come visit me every day.
But when summer came, the sun set me on fire.
And then I had to learn how to fly.

I don't know where I've been all this time.
Or what I've done.
Or who I've met or loved or spoke to.
I never hated anyone; hatred is too much of a ... dirty and mean feeling for me to actually accept it.

I once met a girl and she told me a story about whales.
So I travelled around the world and searched for some.
And one day a man told me that whales don't like people anymore.
It was a sad and shocking thing to say, so I searched even harder.
And then I found a lonely whale and I made friends with her.

Mom always told me I was strange.
Of course I never listened to her.
But now, after so many lives, after so many thoughts I thought of, after loving, and dancing, and smiling, and crying, and drawing, and singing, and writing, and us, I think that she might have been right all along.
---
Today I learnt that every question has an answer, if you know who to ask and where to search.
---
Listening to: Vita de Vie - Praf de Stele
Reading: Getting Rid Of Matthew
Watching: America's Next Top Model Cycle 12, Episode 10
Playing: Chuzzle
---
Am o poveste citita, o soapta zidita
Si praf de stele pe hainele mele
Si-as vrea sa culeg stropi de vant
Sa-i arunc pe pamant, sa devina cuvant.
(Vita de Vie - Praf de Stele)
*Click to download song.

Traveling Light

I'm pulling my suitcase down
Packing the things I need
Just a change of clothes
And a porcelain rose
You once gave to me
Leaving the guilt behind
I'm not gonna take the blame
Got too far to go to be carrying stones
When I roll away

I'm traveling light
No baggage this time
And no bitter memories
Weighing on my mind
I'm facing the wind
And I'm ready to fly
Anywhere my heart takes me tonight
I'm traveling light

It might be another town
It might take a year or two
But I'll find what I lost
And I'll have what I thought I had with you
It could be an uphill fight
Or maybe a winding road
All I really know is for me
There's only one way to go

I'm traveling light
No baggage this time
And no bitter memories
Weighing on my mind
I'm facing the wind
And I'm ready to fly
Anywhere my heart takes me tonight
I'm traveling light

I'm facing the wind
And I'm ready to fly
Anywhere my heart takes me tonight
I'm traveling light
---
Today I learnt that turtles always win to rabbits.
---
Listening to: Coldcut - Autumn Leaves
Reading: Getting Rid Of Matthew (OK, OK, I am a terribly slow reader...)
Watching: America's Next Top Model Cycle 12, Episode 9
Playing: MyBrute
---
Since you went away,
The days grow long,
And soon I'll hear cold winter songs.
But I miss you most of all, my darling,
When autumn leaves start to fall.
(Coldcut - Autumn Leaves)
*Click to download song.

Writing



I just realized that I wake up every morning, naked of any prejudices or certain thoughts. And I put on some random clothes and I get out in the street empty, waiting for someone, something to give a meaning to my day. I get out the door with no other thought than to seek something that affects me. To make my heart race with emotion (and no, I am not talking love in here), my mind jump around, popping thousands of words and ideas all over the place. I do my best on remaining open-minded and open-hearted all day long, just maybe something will get to me. And sometimes something does get to me. Just like yesterday. And sometimes that something makes me write. Just like yesterday. But sometimes there's nothing that touches me the whole day. Or even if it does, I simply can't put it on paper. And I go to bed just as empty as I woke up. And no one ever writes about those moments. No writer in the world. I don't write about my moments when I can't write. But considering the fact that I can't write, that's pretty logical and excusable. I mean, it's not like I refuse to, right?
But... If I don't write, then who does?...
Absolutely no one. And that's a fact. And that's sad. Because 9 out of 10 days, I can't write.
I just hope that's gonna change...
---
Today I learnt something new about writing. Writing is so different from most things in this life. Except for love, maybe. Why? Because 9 out 10 times, writing comes to you, not the other way around. And I know that because all those 9 other times, I try so hard to run after words and stories and articles and nice expressions. And it's always pointless.
---
Listening to: Better Than Ezra - Our Last Night
Reading: Love The One You're With
Watching: Gay Stand-Up Comedy
Playing: Tic Tac Toe with my PC
---
I remember waking up with you.
The days doing nothing,
You meant more to me then
Than I think you ever knew.
But you were going to be a doctor,
A movie star, a poet at a Nobel seminar,
I hope the world never tore that out of you.
(Better Than Ezra - Our Last Night)
*Click to download song.

ZeList